I related to everything in this story Cici. I have been feeling very unworthy of love these past couple of weeks. Since Steven died I have felt so weak and needy, I don't think I'm in a place where I can attract the kind of man I ultimately want to connect with. I was l lucky to have 10 good years with my husband - maybe that just has to be enough. I don't know if I'll ever feel loved again and it scares me. I am 15 years older than you, and while age is just a number, I haven't been looking or feeling as good as I did in my 40s. Cheers to finding something that feels good in 2025!
Ah Amy. I’m sending you so much love and tenderness. You actually flashed through my mind when I posted this story.
I have been thinking about your comment since you posted it (I read them but am so exhausted sometimes I can’t comment thoughtfully until later).
I know we differ in the way we orient ourselves towards love, and I also know that I haven’t gone through loss in the same way you have. But I have had great love torn from me in the cruelest of ways before, so in many ways I can very deeply empathize. You aren’t weak and needy - you are healing. You get to take up all the space you need and want. It’s a beautiful thing to offer someone - the opportunity to care for you while you’re figuring out how to put your feet back on the ground and walk again. And only a man who can hold space for that deserves to be near you during such a vulnerable time. Everyone and anyone else will only convince you more that those ten years with Steven were enough, because if they aren’t able to hold the fullness of you, they make it seem like those ten years were as good as it ever gets. And of course in some ways, on their own, they were. But in your full human experience, they aren’t.
I deeply believe that if we have a yearning for something, it means we are meant to have it. I believe that so strongly that I spent 11 years of my life (literally, to the day. Matthew and I broke up on the anniversary of my divorce) abusing myself with the wrong men because I was so desperate to not feel my grief and my fears. Anyone and anything would have been okay as long as I didn’t have to sit with my own silence.
I’m not saying this is what you are doing at all. I’m just saying that you’re not alone in your fear. I’m about to turn 45 and it’s terrifying - like holy shit this has been going on for so long what if it never ends? What if I’m just chasing my tail? What if I’m cursed and meant to be alone as some sort of punishment?
Somehow, what happened with Matthew hurt and traumatized me so badly that I reached a point where I realized I would rather be alone than continue to be with men who don’t deserve me, or don’t treat me the way I want to be treated. I’d rather never have sex with anyone ever again if it meant someone would be able to hurt me in that same way again. My peace and my own self-created sense of security became my North Star. And now I’m holding on for dear life, but also trying to open my heart to the possibility that the right person for me (who can hold my intensity and my fear and my grief as well as my joy and creativity and amazingness) is not just out there but close. I just have to open my eyes and see the right thing.
I KNOW you will find beautiful love. I know that love will have nothing to do with the way you look (I mean that won’t hurt but it won’t be a driving factor) and it will kickstart all those dormant dopamine receptors and you’ll start feeling better than you did in your 40’s. Because you’ll know how precious it is, and you’ll finally be able to relax and let go and see how you never needed to be anyone other than exactly who you are for that to be true. 🤍🤍
Cici, I am literally crying while reading this beautiful comment. That you thought of me was more than enough, but that you took the time to write me such a deeply heartfelt response was beyond generous. I truly am grateful for you and your writing. You make me feel seen in a way I never thought possible. Thank you for being so vulnerable about your past relationships, you are not alone in your pain. The man that captures your heart is close, and I know you will find each other when you are both ready to let down your guards just a fraction more. We are all learning to heal the broken parts of our hearts and leaning into our own inner knowing. Sending you a giant hug. XO 🥰❤️
Haha that’s is hilarious (and omg). I love hearing things like this because there are still things that happen in my life that I’m like wtf (my chart basically says I’m going to have weird relationship experiences) so it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
Love this! Well written as always, and what an excellent ending. Onwards and upwards, my friend.
"But the creature of darkness had settled in for the night..." such a brilliant way to describe that all-too-familiar impostor. I love how you made light of your deepest, darkest fear (and made me laugh!)
My favorite line of all: "Finally. There she was. The woman I was always supposed to be."
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! It wasn’t even a disappointing date because the woman I met during it (me) was so much better than the woman she was two years ago. It’s crazy how time and trauma changes us in even good ways (if we let it).
Every word of yours that I have read, which I think is all of them on this substack, I have waited for these words….
“Finally. There she was. The woman I was always supposed to be. Strong, and standing firmly in her worth. “
And it was so satisfying! Oh so satisfying to read them, absorb them, feel the words flutter off the page in freedom and empowerment and strength and confidence and grace!
THANK YOU!!!!! It felt like an appropriate interruption from the Matthew story. Like yeah, bad things happen but they also change you (if you let them) and make you better.
Thank you so much for caring about me, and about my journey, and my stories, and for getting it and being a part of this wild world with me. 🩷🩷🩷
Like Petra, I was cheering for you. I love the use of the phrase "my friend' because it almost always means the opposite! Especially the way you used it.
And you own your valor:" I am a high maintenance heavy lift, and very much worth every ounce of effort."
Haha he definitely is no friend of mine. It was a learning experience for me to finally see how people disguise their true intentions, and how - if when given even just the smallest resistance - their masks fall off and they reveal themselves. I’m relieved to have finally learned that lesson - it’s been shown to me so many times, but I resolutely refused to believe it. I feel a lot safer within myself now knowing that, and way less available to tailor myself for the ease of anyone because of it.
I felt like I needed to interrupt the long and droning story of Matthew with something a little hopeful. A light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. It felt like such a relief to actually finally embody some of the things I’ve been working through in the last nine months. Thank you for being a part of my journey!!!! I’m so happy you are here 🤍
I related to everything in this story Cici. I have been feeling very unworthy of love these past couple of weeks. Since Steven died I have felt so weak and needy, I don't think I'm in a place where I can attract the kind of man I ultimately want to connect with. I was l lucky to have 10 good years with my husband - maybe that just has to be enough. I don't know if I'll ever feel loved again and it scares me. I am 15 years older than you, and while age is just a number, I haven't been looking or feeling as good as I did in my 40s. Cheers to finding something that feels good in 2025!
Ah Amy. I’m sending you so much love and tenderness. You actually flashed through my mind when I posted this story.
I have been thinking about your comment since you posted it (I read them but am so exhausted sometimes I can’t comment thoughtfully until later).
I know we differ in the way we orient ourselves towards love, and I also know that I haven’t gone through loss in the same way you have. But I have had great love torn from me in the cruelest of ways before, so in many ways I can very deeply empathize. You aren’t weak and needy - you are healing. You get to take up all the space you need and want. It’s a beautiful thing to offer someone - the opportunity to care for you while you’re figuring out how to put your feet back on the ground and walk again. And only a man who can hold space for that deserves to be near you during such a vulnerable time. Everyone and anyone else will only convince you more that those ten years with Steven were enough, because if they aren’t able to hold the fullness of you, they make it seem like those ten years were as good as it ever gets. And of course in some ways, on their own, they were. But in your full human experience, they aren’t.
I deeply believe that if we have a yearning for something, it means we are meant to have it. I believe that so strongly that I spent 11 years of my life (literally, to the day. Matthew and I broke up on the anniversary of my divorce) abusing myself with the wrong men because I was so desperate to not feel my grief and my fears. Anyone and anything would have been okay as long as I didn’t have to sit with my own silence.
I’m not saying this is what you are doing at all. I’m just saying that you’re not alone in your fear. I’m about to turn 45 and it’s terrifying - like holy shit this has been going on for so long what if it never ends? What if I’m just chasing my tail? What if I’m cursed and meant to be alone as some sort of punishment?
Somehow, what happened with Matthew hurt and traumatized me so badly that I reached a point where I realized I would rather be alone than continue to be with men who don’t deserve me, or don’t treat me the way I want to be treated. I’d rather never have sex with anyone ever again if it meant someone would be able to hurt me in that same way again. My peace and my own self-created sense of security became my North Star. And now I’m holding on for dear life, but also trying to open my heart to the possibility that the right person for me (who can hold my intensity and my fear and my grief as well as my joy and creativity and amazingness) is not just out there but close. I just have to open my eyes and see the right thing.
I KNOW you will find beautiful love. I know that love will have nothing to do with the way you look (I mean that won’t hurt but it won’t be a driving factor) and it will kickstart all those dormant dopamine receptors and you’ll start feeling better than you did in your 40’s. Because you’ll know how precious it is, and you’ll finally be able to relax and let go and see how you never needed to be anyone other than exactly who you are for that to be true. 🤍🤍
Cici, I am literally crying while reading this beautiful comment. That you thought of me was more than enough, but that you took the time to write me such a deeply heartfelt response was beyond generous. I truly am grateful for you and your writing. You make me feel seen in a way I never thought possible. Thank you for being so vulnerable about your past relationships, you are not alone in your pain. The man that captures your heart is close, and I know you will find each other when you are both ready to let down your guards just a fraction more. We are all learning to heal the broken parts of our hearts and leaning into our own inner knowing. Sending you a giant hug. XO 🥰❤️
Oh my goodness I just read this and then put on The Later Daters on Netflix and this happened to a couple on there!!!
Very Saturn square energy here 😂
Haha that’s is hilarious (and omg). I love hearing things like this because there are still things that happen in my life that I’m like wtf (my chart basically says I’m going to have weird relationship experiences) so it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
Of course you read CiCi too!!!
Right back at ya! 😆
Love this! Well written as always, and what an excellent ending. Onwards and upwards, my friend.
"But the creature of darkness had settled in for the night..." such a brilliant way to describe that all-too-familiar impostor. I love how you made light of your deepest, darkest fear (and made me laugh!)
My favorite line of all: "Finally. There she was. The woman I was always supposed to be."
YES! Role model. Writer. Winner.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! It wasn’t even a disappointing date because the woman I met during it (me) was so much better than the woman she was two years ago. It’s crazy how time and trauma changes us in even good ways (if we let it).
Every word of yours that I have read, which I think is all of them on this substack, I have waited for these words….
“Finally. There she was. The woman I was always supposed to be. Strong, and standing firmly in her worth. “
And it was so satisfying! Oh so satisfying to read them, absorb them, feel the words flutter off the page in freedom and empowerment and strength and confidence and grace!
Yes! YES!!! YES YES YES YES!!!!!🙌
THANK YOU!!!!! It felt like an appropriate interruption from the Matthew story. Like yeah, bad things happen but they also change you (if you let them) and make you better.
Thank you so much for caring about me, and about my journey, and my stories, and for getting it and being a part of this wild world with me. 🩷🩷🩷
That’s the CiCi I know. Completely aware of how fucking amazing she is in every sense of the word!
Fuck yeah it is lol
Like Petra, I was cheering for you. I love the use of the phrase "my friend' because it almost always means the opposite! Especially the way you used it.
And you own your valor:" I am a high maintenance heavy lift, and very much worth every ounce of effort."
Haha he definitely is no friend of mine. It was a learning experience for me to finally see how people disguise their true intentions, and how - if when given even just the smallest resistance - their masks fall off and they reveal themselves. I’m relieved to have finally learned that lesson - it’s been shown to me so many times, but I resolutely refused to believe it. I feel a lot safer within myself now knowing that, and way less available to tailor myself for the ease of anyone because of it.
(I think I’m finally growing up lol)
Another great installment! I love seeing this character of you on the page finding her strong clear, beautiful voice! ♥️♥️♥️
I felt like I needed to interrupt the long and droning story of Matthew with something a little hopeful. A light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. It felt like such a relief to actually finally embody some of the things I’ve been working through in the last nine months. Thank you for being a part of my journey!!!! I’m so happy you are here 🤍
An allergy to weakness 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 love it.
And ain’t that the truth…
Onward to better things I'm sure! Well done listening to your gut.
You go, girl! So proud of you!!! What a fascinating read.